Yesterday while talking to some state side friends online I was compared to a spy and a homosexual with in a matter of minutes. I have been thinking about that a little. less so the spy part more so I wonder if this is what it feels like to be gay and still in the closet. I mean I am lying to all these very nice people Im meeting about a huge part of my identity. My Judaism may even be a larger part of my identity than my sexuality...who knows. I guess Ill never know what it feels like to be gay in the closet, but I know what it feels like to lie to people who you want to be your friend and it sucks. I came so close to either saying something that would need an explanation or just coming out and saying it today, but every time I get this very nervous feeling in my stomach. I really dont think people would care as long as I explained that I wasn't lying about my political positions, but still it freaks me out. My roommate is so sweet. I really want to tell her. I almost did while we were having dinner together an hour ago, but I chickened out. Sometimes I wish I had a fairy godmother to come and tell me what I should do.
I also wish my friends would stop telling me im crazy for being here. This is one of the major problems of the conflict. Palestinians and Jews/Israelis almost never come in contact with each other and when they do its often in a violent context, so they are both filled with hate and fear of the other. It seems like everyone thinks Im living in some anarchist war zone, and that I could be kidnapped by Hamas at any moment. It is not like that at all. First of all Birzeit and Ramallah are rather nice parts of the west bank. second its very safe here, and if I get hurt here its more likely to come from an Israeli gun than any other. I wish more people could experience what I have experienced in my life and the last 6 days. This makes me question what I really want to do with my life. I think maybe instead of working to bring together Israeli and Palestinian kids (since thats almost impossible under current conditions) I will work to educate Israelis and American Jews about the realities of the creation of the state of Israel and the plight of the palestinians, and also educate Palestinians on the Holocaust, and why it was the Jews felt they needed a home land, and also that there is such a thing as an Israeli civilian. There should be more meeting and mixing, but since its illegal for Israelis to go to many parts of the west bank and very difficult for Palestinians to go to Israel it may prove difficult to begin any real reconciliation until there is a peace treaty. okay Im done with my rant for the day now on to my adventure of the day
Today was the first day of Arabic classes. I am taking Modern Standard (Fusah) and Colloquial. Fusah begins at 8am. I don't know how Im going to do that 3 days a week. Its horrible I have to get up at 7 I haven't had class that early ever! even in high school I didn't have to be at school early, but Daniella is in the class with me so at least we both have to get up so we motivate each other. The classes were pretty good. Fusah was basically review of stuff I already knew from taking Arabic at AU. The Colloquial was fun we learned some basic phrases. Ill be happy when I can have conversations with the group of little boys that is always hanging out by my apt.
After class I got lunch with some new friends, and then we went to Ramallah in search of Decorations for our rooms. I got some cool scarves and stuff for the wall and for wearing. I also bought a poster with a bunch of different fruit and their names in Arabic. its pretty and will be good for my learning. On the way to Ramallah I noticed a One Voice Sign painted on a wall It made me smile inside to know I was a part of that even if it didn't go the way we planned. any ways after several hours of shopping we headed back to Birzeit. On my way back to the apt I ran into Daniella so I went with her to get water and a few other supplies then we came back and I made salad and she made Ful which is a yummy dish with chick peas and fava beans and other things I think I may be eating it alot its healthy, tasty and really easy to make. We tried to watch our TV for a bit, but it was getting cold by then, and we have a million channels but 2/3rds of them are in some foreign language ie. French, Italian, German...sooo not too helpful. we chatted for a bit, and I managed to have a whole conversation with out lying once (yeah me!) and now im in my nice warm room with my space heater and the door closed.
Tonight Kyle and Ryan are having a party since we don't have school tomorrow...maybe when im drunk Ill get up the courage to tell everyone I'm a Jew who has lived in and loves Israel, but that doesn't sound like such a good idea so Ill probably sit on that info for a little longer. Were going to Jerusalem tomorrow so I just pray I dont run in to any one I know, cuz there would go my cover....and I would be thrown out of the closet rather abruptly
I also wish my friends would stop telling me im crazy for being here. This is one of the major problems of the conflict. Palestinians and Jews/Israelis almost never come in contact with each other and when they do its often in a violent context, so they are both filled with hate and fear of the other. It seems like everyone thinks Im living in some anarchist war zone, and that I could be kidnapped by Hamas at any moment. It is not like that at all. First of all Birzeit and Ramallah are rather nice parts of the west bank. second its very safe here, and if I get hurt here its more likely to come from an Israeli gun than any other. I wish more people could experience what I have experienced in my life and the last 6 days. This makes me question what I really want to do with my life. I think maybe instead of working to bring together Israeli and Palestinian kids (since thats almost impossible under current conditions) I will work to educate Israelis and American Jews about the realities of the creation of the state of Israel and the plight of the palestinians, and also educate Palestinians on the Holocaust, and why it was the Jews felt they needed a home land, and also that there is such a thing as an Israeli civilian. There should be more meeting and mixing, but since its illegal for Israelis to go to many parts of the west bank and very difficult for Palestinians to go to Israel it may prove difficult to begin any real reconciliation until there is a peace treaty. okay Im done with my rant for the day now on to my adventure of the day
Today was the first day of Arabic classes. I am taking Modern Standard (Fusah) and Colloquial. Fusah begins at 8am. I don't know how Im going to do that 3 days a week. Its horrible I have to get up at 7 I haven't had class that early ever! even in high school I didn't have to be at school early, but Daniella is in the class with me so at least we both have to get up so we motivate each other. The classes were pretty good. Fusah was basically review of stuff I already knew from taking Arabic at AU. The Colloquial was fun we learned some basic phrases. Ill be happy when I can have conversations with the group of little boys that is always hanging out by my apt.
After class I got lunch with some new friends, and then we went to Ramallah in search of Decorations for our rooms. I got some cool scarves and stuff for the wall and for wearing. I also bought a poster with a bunch of different fruit and their names in Arabic. its pretty and will be good for my learning. On the way to Ramallah I noticed a One Voice Sign painted on a wall It made me smile inside to know I was a part of that even if it didn't go the way we planned. any ways after several hours of shopping we headed back to Birzeit. On my way back to the apt I ran into Daniella so I went with her to get water and a few other supplies then we came back and I made salad and she made Ful which is a yummy dish with chick peas and fava beans and other things I think I may be eating it alot its healthy, tasty and really easy to make. We tried to watch our TV for a bit, but it was getting cold by then, and we have a million channels but 2/3rds of them are in some foreign language ie. French, Italian, German...sooo not too helpful. we chatted for a bit, and I managed to have a whole conversation with out lying once (yeah me!) and now im in my nice warm room with my space heater and the door closed.
Tonight Kyle and Ryan are having a party since we don't have school tomorrow...maybe when im drunk Ill get up the courage to tell everyone I'm a Jew who has lived in and loves Israel, but that doesn't sound like such a good idea so Ill probably sit on that info for a little longer. Were going to Jerusalem tomorrow so I just pray I dont run in to any one I know, cuz there would go my cover....and I would be thrown out of the closet rather abruptly
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